


I'll see you when I fall asleep

by napukka



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Break Up, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-07
Updated: 2013-04-07
Packaged: 2017-12-07 18:29:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/751650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/napukka/pseuds/napukka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two and a half years and he had nothing to say but at the same time wanted to say it all at once.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll see you when I fall asleep

_So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear._

 

His alarm went off at 8am. His eyes snapped open as he jolted awake, as if from a nightmare. He turned the alarm off and just layed there, staring at the ceiling. Today was going to be tough.

Eventually he made himself sat up, slightly dizzy from the low fever he'd had running for a couple of days now. The filming schedule on his show was so tight though, he'd barely had time to eat or sleep, let alone take care of himself.

He took a shower and got dressed. He didn't have a lot of stuff left at the apartment, only the essentials. He was going to move out today. Everything was packed, sealed away in boxes and plastic bags. He'd taken most of them to his new place already but a few still sat in the corner. He'd had no time to set up his apartment yet and Adam had insisted he was in no hurry. One of his friends was gonna come over tonight to unpack things with him and to fill up the cabinets.

He made the bed and made sure he had everything with him. 

He opened the door of the guest bedroom and walked to the kitchen. 

Adam was sitting at the kitchen table, staring at his phone and sipping away at his coffee. He noticed Sauli standing by the doorway and gestured for him to sit down. A fresh cup of coffee was on the table opposite of him, with a bagel and a glass of juice. Just like yesterday morning.

Neither said a word as Sauli sat down and started slowly eating his breakfast. He really wasn't hungry at all.

''It's all over twitter,'' Adam said and Sauli knew exactly what he meant. 

''Oh,'' he whispered and it was really all he could force out.

''Yeah,'' Adam sighed and put his phone down for a moment. He took another sip of his coffee and stared out of the window. Sauli kept staring at the far away look Adam had in his eyes, wondering what was going through his mind.

''How are people taking it?''

Adam tore his gaze away from the window and looked at his phone again. ''As well as we could hope I guess. They're pretty upset though.''

Sauli nodded and made a mental note to check twitter later. He couldn't bring himself to do it now. He took a small bite of his bagel and tried to force it down.

''I should really get going,'' he said and started to get up.

''Not until you finish that bagel,'' Adam said. ''I can tell that you're still sick. You won't get better if you don't eat.''

His words made Sauli smile a little. ''I'll just eat it on my way to work,'' he said. He wrapped it up and drank the last of his coffee.

Adam nodded and went back to his phone. He sensed Sauli moving around, taking his dishes to the sink and pushing his chair back under the table. He saw Sauli disappearing to the hall, could hear him putting his shoes on and pulling his jacket on. A minute later he appeared at the doorway, all ready to go.

''I'll be back for the last of my stuff later today, after work,'' Sauli said quietly.

''Okay.'' Adam said and got up from the table. ''I'll be here.''

Sauli smiled shyly and made his way out the door. 

 

_It's killing me to see you this way._

 

While sitting in the car with a couple of guys from the film crew, he finally made himself check his phone. He had loads of text messages asking if he was okay and missed phone calls from family members. He replied to a few, mostly his sisters and parents. He planned on making a post on facebook later, just so that people woudn't worry too much about him. People shouldn't have to worry about him.

He went on twitter next. Adam hadn't commented anything yet and he didn't know what to think of it. He wondered if he even would. Sauli checked his mentions and after scrolling down for a few seconds he decided it wasn't worth it. He got the picture all right. 

Work was fun, he and his guest really coming along right from the start, which really wasn't a surprise. He could see people from the crew sometimes look at him worriedly but was glad they didn't ask him anything about it. He didn't know what to say to them. He'd posted a couple of pictures on instagram on his way to work and hoped people would believe he was okay. 

On their lunch break Sauli decided enough was enough and decided to make a post on facebook. He decided to make it public too, save himself from having to comment on any magazine that had been calling him all morning.

He told them he was better than fine, although he still had a slight fever and the flu. And that he hoped everyone else was fine too. He knew people would find it soon enough and knew they were going to analyze every word he'd said but that was something he had gotten used to over the years. People immediately liked his post and some sent their well wishes. He was glad to hear from Niko, glad to seem him get home alright. He really missed him though. He would be doing much worse if he hadn't spent time with him recently and taken his mind off of things.

He saw on twitter that Adam had also finally posted something. Telling he loved everyone was just the way to go about it, Sauli thought. Adam didn't hate anyone and hoped no one else hated him either.

They continued filming late into the afternoon. The others went to eat dinner at a restaurant but Sauli politely declined. He had stuff to take care of.

 

_This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore._

 

Sauli looked at the building in front of him and tried to come up with the courage to go in.

This would be the end. He'd open the door for the last time and eventually shut it behind him, for good. He'd return his key and take one look at the apartment and walk out. He had known this day was coming for some time now but the reality of it all was making him feel sick.

The thought of going in was tough in its own but knowing Adam was also inside was only adding to it. As much as they'd promised to stay friends afterwards, he had a hard time believing they'd actually be very good at it. There had always been a spark between them and the thought of just sitting next to Adam on a couch without atleast leaning against him was weird.

Eventually he stood behind their front door. He twisted the key in the lock and the door opened. He went in quietly, trying not to make too much noise. 

It didn't feel like going home anymore. There wasn't a bile of his shoes beside Adam's and the coat rack only had Adam's jackets on it. 

He walked in further and noticed Adam sitting on the couch, with a glass of wine in his hand.

''Hi.'' He hated how forcing a simple word out in front of Adam was a thing these days. 

''Hey,'' Adam said and put the glass on the table. 

It was awkward, not knowing what to say. Sauli looked at the key in his hand and then put it on the coffee table. Both of them fell silent, just staring at the key and knowing what it all meant.

''I uhh...'' Sauli started and then had to take a deep breath. He felt a giant lump at the back of his troath and wished it would go away. ''I don't know what to say.'' 

He felt stupid. Two and a half years and he had nothing to say but at the same time wanted to say it all at once. How he was thankful for all of the opportunities Adam had given him, how he'd always taken Sauli in consideration at everything he'd done, how they'd kept their relationship to themselves and how he hadn't gone talking to the media when they realised they were breaking up. Adam had tapped on his shoulder in Helsinki and given him the world. And Sauli was always going to be thankful for that.

''I know,'' Adam whispered and stood up. 

Suddenly Sauli put his hands on his mouth and couldn't stop the sob that escaped. 

After a few seconds of hesitation Adam took the needed steps forward and took Sauli into his arms. They'd hugged countless times over the years but there'd never been this feeling of desperation in it. They'd always known that they'd hug again. Now neither of them was so sure.

Adam rested his chin on top of Sauli's head and could feel him shaking. He knew Sauli was crying, could feel the hitch in his breath and the way his hands clung to the back of his shirt. Sauli had always been the kinda person to show his true emotions and this time was no different. Adam felt his own eyes start to get blurry and couldn't stop the tears that fell down his cheeks.

He rubbed his hand up and down Sauli's back, wishing he'd calm down. It broke his heart seeing Sauli this upset and knowing he was feeling the same ache in his chest and that they could do nothing to stop it.

After a while he heard Sauli sniffing and eventually he leaned away from his embrace, wiping at his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. 

''I'm sorry,'' he whispered, trying to gather himself.

''It's okay,'' Adam said. ''You're welcome here any time you feel like it, you know right?''

Sauli looked at him, the broken smile on his face not so convincing. ''I know.''

Sauli walked to the guest bedroom and gathered the few boxes that sat in the corner. He walked back to the living room where Adam still stood.

They looked at each other in the eye and knew everything the other wanted to say.

''I love you,'' Sauli whispered, lower lip trembling, trying not to burst into tears again.

''I love you too,'' Adam said and wiped at the tears that fell down his cheek.

''Thank you... for everything,'' Sauli whispered. Thank you for showing me the world. Thank you for giving us a chance and knowing when to let go. 

Adam nodded and gave him a teary smile. Sauli had no idea what kind of an impact he'd had on him. He really knew Adam better than anyone else in the world.

Sauli gave him a sad smile in return and walked to the door. He took one glance back at the apartment and made sure to remember all the good times they'd had together. He locked eyes with Adam and saw the sadness he was trying to keep at bay. 

Things had slowly been coming to an end for a few months now and in a way it was a relief to be free from it all. But letting go the one you thought you'd be together with for a lot longer was heartbreaking. 

Sauli dropped his gaze, an unsaid goodbye on his lips. He couldn't quite bring himself to say it out loud. He opened the front door and let it sloftly click closed behind him.

 

_I'll see you when I fall asleep._

**Author's Note:**

> Title and italic lines from the song Little Talks by Of Monsters And Men.


End file.
